oxygen

on how i breathed and it made me want to cry a little bit

For the rest of the Periodic series;

---

i felt light.

it’s been a shit week, not shit, but like ‘shit’. yesterday all i could focus on was how tight my scalp felt, i just let my hair stay down and shoved a beanie on. didn’t help but i didn’t look too much a mess.

so when i eventually woke up this morning, it was quiet, its hard to describe it, i have a quiet room and flat but my mind was still. that’s like the only way i could describe it. like i didn’t want to do anything. which obviously defeated the point since Agnieszka had left me a whatsapp voice message demanding my attention.

“caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay-leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

which is fucking hilarious since she has no issue pronouncing ‘k’ in normal day to day life but for me she always butchers my name, probably on purpose. whatever.

order of business was eventually heading to Ealing Common and going to Ta Ke Sushi because Agnieszka is heading to Japan later on this year and is feeling very cultured all of a sudden whilst completely ignoring my trip there in 2024 (she was jealous dared to ask why i didn’t invite her). but there was no rush.

so i just laid in bed, feeling light, kept telling myself to start getting ready or something anything, and i just didn’t. instead i rolled around listening to music, bothering various people, being a bit of a bitch to a few other people (entirely justified) and realising that substack is a ‘thing™’. eventually i dragged myself out of bed, made myself presentable, and jumped on the 207.

Ta Ke Sushi - Ealing Common

i stepped out of the bus and for a second i didn’t move, my chest felt funny, and i breathed. i am not a poetic person but there was something profound about that moment, i felt my shoulders dropping, i lowered my face it felt like i’d been holding a breath for weeks (cliché ick) and suddenly i had clarity. i could breathe again? As I was having this moment, i was also in the way of everyone, so was super desperate not to break down in tears which were close, like one dangerous sniffle or someone else knocking my shoulder probably would have done it.

lunch was good, beyond the usual talking points of Agnieszka complaining about her husband (he’s lovely by the way) and what ever tik tok/instagram drama had reared it’s head and a complete lack of spoilers for bridgerton season 4. fuck you very much Agnieszka. i didn’t actually say that much, i ordered fried chicken with soba noodles and the custard choux that is above. I had to surrender a quarter of it because apparently we share desserts now? which btw not a fan of matcha so i did not get a quarter of Agnieszka’s matcha cake and nor would i want it anyway.

Ealing Common - the park

then we did what we normally do, walk, sometimes in straight lines, often not. I normally am trying to be present but well it was a decent day and i wanted to get some photos taken.

“caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay-leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

i’ve not been very good with consistency this month, out of all the projects i started in november/december especially here have kinda stopped? i’m not really happy with it and i’m trying to drum up the interest to restart, Internal Voices especially, i felt i’d gotten some good momentum with that. What Stopped Me This Week really sucked to put a pause on but in all honesty some of the things that was coming back to me made it feel like it was expected that i wave my hands for certain people, like it was my purpose on this platform to just facilitate massaging egos and ‘boost/signal’ (how fucking cold is that terminology) them. whilst they didn’t even bother looking at anything i’d produced.

but, i don’t think that matters, i found the right people, i don’t feel as alone, not right now. i never thought that i would be here two months ago, i know i keep saying it (or not probably i dunno) but i never thought i was a writer, or even capable of putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard, but the more time i spend staring at the words i’m putting somewhere, the calmer it makes me feel. i don’t journal (AWARE OF THE IRONY OK) i don’t do wellness writing, i just vomit on a screen and try to make sense of it. but people keep saying it’s good, or i’m getting better or even as per today, ‘surprising in a good way’ but to be honest even i was smug about producing that line so they get a pass from my angst. it’s scary, to have whatever it is present itself and you just stare at it going, huh?

Somewhere between Ealing Common and Ealing Broadway?

Agnieszka had decided she was going to be in charge and well true to form we got lost after she declared she knew a ‘shortcut’ Uxbridge Road is a straight line. how the fuck is there a shortcut?

we wern’’t actually lost, just a few random side streets in but it was nice, i couldn’t hear the cars anymore. i stopped for a moment, leaned on a brickwall on someones yard wall and closed my eyes. still quiet, still light.

it didn’t take too long to enter in the back of the Broadway Center, i was dragged to Decathlon because Agnieszka needed new trainers, so i plopped myself down trying not to burst out laughing as Agnieszka turned the entire thing into an ordeal for herself, eventually realising that the pair that was the only ‘maybe’ was only £20 and therefore suddenly acceptable for a short term purchase and she was in a great mood. i made an excuse, said i wanted to go to waterstones and Agnieszka said i’m going to the pub, i didn’t join her, i have training tomorrow and i’d like not to hungover for once, and i didn’t really even feel like drinking like it would take away from this oddly light mood i was in.

Ealing Broadway

i didn’t go to waterstones, i stood in the middle of the open area and leaned back almost clipping some poor old grandmother who was walking behind me. thats what i saw, so, liberating, so free, so calm, had it not been busy i’d have liked to stay there longer, but i’m awkward enough as it is.

483 Bus - Hanwell Broadway

a mercy, given my struggles with buses for the last week it was empty, at least on the top floor, downstairs was some poor woman clearly having a bad trip, kept telling the bus driver how attractive he was and then begging him to drive faster, use the bus lane, (there wasn’t a bus lane not on this part of the journey) i did something very risqué and just leaned forward (i was like in the seats just above the stair well with the rails) propped myself on the rail and was actually comfortable for once, got to work through any left over tension in my back, open my chest, breathe.

Hanwell but it’s TECHNICALLY Southall. It’s Hanwell ok.

it started to rain. like the nice kind, the soft kind.

i tilted my head back and lifted my chin, closed my eyes and took as long as i needed as no sound beyond the breeze joined me. the sound feeling of small rain drops on my face and the feeling of inhaling and exhaling as if i’d forgotten how to do it.

and again, i felt my jaw tremble before i opened my eyes, god.

i had a good day, it was a good day. it is a good day. i’m smiling as i type this. :)